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"How does my same-sex marriage hurt your marriage?"

Glenn Stanton, Focus on the Family's Director of Social Research and Cultural Affairs (I love that job title!) gave it a whirl and what he came up with is that while he doesn't have a problem with individual same-sex couples marrying, he worries that blanketly allowing same-sex marriage will cause his children to think they aren't a necessary component of marriage.  If his daughters see gay and bisexual men married to each other, they won't see the importance of a woman in a marriage and if his sons see lesbian and bisexual women married to each other, they won't feel they are needed in a marriage.

In reality, what he fears is that if his children see men married and women married, they might think being gay or bisexual is alright.  If his children see that being gay or bisexual is okay, they may want wait twenty years in fear and self-loathing to come out.  They might come out as kids or teenagers and embarrass him into leaving his job as a hatemonger.

And don't get me started about gender.  He claims same-sex marriage will dilute the importance of gender in his children's eyes.  Oh, the horror.  They might not learn that female is only a function of and corollary to male.  They might figure out that in the creation story, Adam and Eve were equally duped and equally punished by their God.  They might realize that when man wrote "man" in the bible, God meant him to write "people."  They might note that it was people their father who ensured that the Equal Rights Amendment to the United States Constitution was doomed.  And if gender is so important, why do they claim otherwise when it comes to the rights and dignity of transgender people?

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I need to start writing again.  So, below is my response to Jill Wagner's Out on the Town blog entry on a pregnant man:

(Jill, this comment is not an attack on you, noting your bravery in sharing your gut response to this situation and your stance as a queer (and trans) youth advocate.  Thomas Beatie obviously causes us all to question gender role issues.  Please view it as a continuation of the conversation, and possibly a bit of devil's advocacy--Scratch that--trans-advocacy.)


Queer.  But not cheating.  How smart and loving to have the foresight, in the middle of an intensely personal, emotional and physical transition, to plan for children.

I appreciate the gut response of awe and amazement.  Obviously this situation is nowhere near the norm.  But since when has the queer community been about endorsing the norm? 
Please consider the ignorance and offensiveness of the below:
"If she identifies as a lesbian and goes to the effort to legally register as a domestic partner, doesn't she give up the chance to bear children? Isn't it philosophically anathema to being lesbian?"

I know, I know.  How horribly anti-feminist, anti-queer, anti-woman to even suggest such a thing.  Can you imagine a queer-friendly blogger putting such a thing in writing?

Imagine reading this blog entry from the perspective of someone who doesn't conform to society's "normal" gender roles.  Oh, that's right.  You don't have to imagine.  Lesbians (and gay men and bisexual people) don't typically conform to those established gender role norms (that whole same-gender-loving thing).

I let my imagination run wild here.  I'm not a lesbian, but I imagine being the parent of a lesbian.  When a daughter comes out, I might wonder if I'm going to miss out on having grandchildren.  Then I hear about Melissa Etheridge and her partner (former?--I don't really keep up with it) have children with the help of David Crosby.  Once over the shock of perpetuating David Crosby's genes, I imagine the elation of discovering the possibility that my child, in spite of her gender-abnormal situation, could one day also bear a child with David Crosby's help (or maybe some other donor).  What a moment of awe, confusion, clarity, and optimism!

Now I imagine being a teen "girl", torn between the desire for family and  my real identity as a boy.  I imagine the relief, upon hearing the news about Thomas Beatie, that I don't have to choose between being myself and bearing my own children.  Especially after SRS to bring my physical body inline with my gender, is a Caesarian section at all "unnatural"?

Thomas Beatie's story is a cause for celebration.  His bravery in going public is phenomenal.  How many confused or distraught teens and adults will hear this story and find a reason to be proud in the face of trans-phobia, rejection, ridicule, and cruelty?  How many lives will Thomas Beatie save?

Her "Out" column today for the Spokane Review's Seven elaborated on her thoughts.  I encourage you to read it.


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