Depression

[jreilly4261]

My 17 year long struggle with chronic intermittent depression continues.  I met a new doctor today who I may feel comfortable dealing with.  She has been my wife's doctor for the last 15 years.  I really felt the doctor listened to me today, even let me ramble a little.  She ended up prescribing citalopram (generic Celexa), a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) anti-depressant.  It comes in a teeny-tiny pill I will take once a day.

I really loathe depression.  It's so irrational.  Lately, I've been having so many anxiety attacks.  I'm afraid of the telephone at work.  I'm afraid of my boss' boss, who is a perfectly nice guy who has so many other things to focus on besides me.  I'm freaked out about reports at work and homework for school.  These are things I know I should be able to do, but I generally feel paralized.  The prospect of writing this entry and the one right after it seem horribly daunting--they should be a breeze.

My doctor and pharmacist inform me that citalopram is relatively fast acting (2-4 weeks for first effects, 4-8 weeks for substantial effects).  I hope so.  My depression tends to add to my wife's stress levels.  She takes such good care of me.  I let her know how I was feeling last week and she called the doctor's office and got my appointment moved from January 2007 to today.  I think I'd have already quit my job before getting to a January appointment (says nothing about the job, just about the depression).

I mentioned my memory issues to the doctor and she actually took them seriously, saying they were probably related to the depression.  I can't express quite how frustrating it is to tell a doctor about memory issues and to have him ask what things, specifically, I have difficulty remembering.  It just seems like some bizarre psychological test or joke.

Comments

This really sucks...

[homaffectional.livejournal.com]

as someone who also has had a long struggle w/depression himself, I *totally* understand much of what you're going through.

I wish you nothing but strength for the ongoing fight. Here's hoping for the day, not too far in the future, in which depression is vanquished forever...

[wandering-rangr.livejournal.com]

*hug* *hug* and *hug*

Depression sucks. There just isn't any other way to describe it. As a life-long sufferer, I too have been through the merry-go-round of trying to balance out myself when the stress of work, living arrangements, trying to plan my future etc has gotten to be too much. My memory also flits off (which is _not_ normal for me) and I find myself entirely too close to tears or actually in tears way too often.

The triple genetic curse of depression mixed with migraines and a side of joint troubles conspires to make it worse. The last three and a half years has been full of talking to my doctor (it's soooo hard finding one who will listen) and playing the pill game. Living with myself is hard enough during those times and your lovely and loving wife has my complete respect for being there for you.

Just try to keep in this in mind. It will get better. You're doing the right steps to deal with it, and that's a sign of someone who is managing his illness the right way.

*hug* It's hard, but you're not alone.

I hope your depression...

[homaffectional.livejournal.com]

isn't preventing you from commenting on Tuesday's election results, in Washington state, and across the nation. I'd love to read your take on it...

Re: Hong Tran/voting for anti-war candidates; did you know that Maine up until Tuesday, had the nation's only elected state representative belonging to the Green Party? That changed, Tuesday, though, sadly...

Thank you both for your support.

[jreilly4261.livejournal.com]

It's been a hard couple of months and I had my worst day yet yesterday. I barely got to work and got to the point of asking my wife how she'd feel about getting her Practical Nursing license to work part-time while she finished school. I feel terrible asking her to consider it, but I really don't want to drop the ball in the next six months without a financial safety net. I tend to quit jobs when I'm severely depressed, and, though I have no plans to do so, it's important to plan contingencies. I'm doing much better today. Yesterday, I was so visibly depressed that I had to "come out" about my depression to five coworkers and my boss. Talk about an anxiety-inducing experience. Fortunately, I was also able to make a very timely suggestion regarding our department restructure to the same boss, so he may not worry too much about my performance while depressed.

I will have some commentary regarding the current political state soon. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I have difficulty wrapping my head around the so-called "undecided voters" upon whom these elections tend to rest.

Miriam,
When you come back to the states, any chance you'll be swinging through the Northwest? I think you'd love the Cascades. I'd travel to the ends of Washington, Idaho, and Oregon to get a chance to visit with you. :)