Depression

[jreilly4261]

My 17 year long struggle with chronic intermittent depression continues.  I met a new doctor today who I may feel comfortable dealing with.  She has been my wife's doctor for the last 15 years.  I really felt the doctor listened to me today, even let me ramble a little.  She ended up prescribing citalopram (generic Celexa), a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) anti-depressant.  It comes in a teeny-tiny pill I will take once a day.

I really loathe depression.  It's so irrational.  Lately, I've been having so many anxiety attacks.  I'm afraid of the telephone at work.  I'm afraid of my boss' boss, who is a perfectly nice guy who has so many other things to focus on besides me.  I'm freaked out about reports at work and homework for school.  These are things I know I should be able to do, but I generally feel paralized.  The prospect of writing this entry and the one right after it seem horribly daunting--they should be a breeze.

My doctor and pharmacist inform me that citalopram is relatively fast acting (2-4 weeks for first effects, 4-8 weeks for substantial effects).  I hope so.  My depression tends to add to my wife's stress levels.  She takes such good care of me.  I let her know how I was feeling last week and she called the doctor's office and got my appointment moved from January 2007 to today.  I think I'd have already quit my job before getting to a January appointment (says nothing about the job, just about the depression).

I mentioned my memory issues to the doctor and she actually took them seriously, saying they were probably related to the depression.  I can't express quite how frustrating it is to tell a doctor about memory issues and to have him ask what things, specifically, I have difficulty remembering.  It just seems like some bizarre psychological test or joke.

Comments

Thank you both for your support.

[jreilly4261.livejournal.com]

It's been a hard couple of months and I had my worst day yet yesterday. I barely got to work and got to the point of asking my wife how she'd feel about getting her Practical Nursing license to work part-time while she finished school. I feel terrible asking her to consider it, but I really don't want to drop the ball in the next six months without a financial safety net. I tend to quit jobs when I'm severely depressed, and, though I have no plans to do so, it's important to plan contingencies. I'm doing much better today. Yesterday, I was so visibly depressed that I had to "come out" about my depression to five coworkers and my boss. Talk about an anxiety-inducing experience. Fortunately, I was also able to make a very timely suggestion regarding our department restructure to the same boss, so he may not worry too much about my performance while depressed.

I will have some commentary regarding the current political state soon. I'm still trying to come to terms with it. I have difficulty wrapping my head around the so-called "undecided voters" upon whom these elections tend to rest.

Miriam,
When you come back to the states, any chance you'll be swinging through the Northwest? I think you'd love the Cascades. I'd travel to the ends of Washington, Idaho, and Oregon to get a chance to visit with you. :)